Child-Centered Divorce

The Power of Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself!

2011-06-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, pain, hurt as well as thoughts of revenge. Forgiving doesn’t mean you are forgetting or denying the pain and hurt. It means you are releasing the grip it has over your life and focusing on more positive facets of life for your own well-being. Forgiving does not mean you deny the other person’s responsibility in hurting you, nor does it minimize it. We don’t forgive for the other person. We forgive because of the value it brings to us.

Through forgiveness you can better understand that no one is perfect -- that we all make mistakes. Forgiveness enables you to come to terms with your inner turmoil by letting go of the destructive thoughts you may be harboring inside – thoughts that cause you distress and discomfort. To forgive means you take back control of your life and dissolve the hateful thoughts that follow you wherever you go.

Here are some key points to understand about forgiveness and why all mental health practitioners consider it a major step forward in coping with life’s harshest experiences:

1. You forgive for its value to you – regardless of whether the other person “deserves” to be forgiven. It is about regaining your personal power.

2. You forgive because it feels better inside you. It also makes you “a bigger, better” person.

3. When you reach a state of forgiveness, you reduce the awkwardness of being together at gatherings -- relieving tension and uncomfortable moments. This can be especially valuable for family members after a divorce.

4. You experience a kind of emotional and spiritual peace and healing when you forgive. The offense loses its power over you and stops being the object of all your thoughts.

5. Forgiveness begins with a decision to stop harboring resentment and enables you to finally move on with your own life.

6. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is not something you do for someone else. It is ultimately an internal decision and inner process.

7. With forgiveness, you give up playing the powerless role of victim.

8. An important step in the process of forgiveness is remembering the experience and seeking deeper understanding of its emotional impact on you. Then you decide to end the impact from a position of personal power!

9. The sense of personal power enables you to rise above the painful event and move it into your personal history, not part of your future life.

10. Through forgiveness, you become your own ally -- an agent of change in your own life. It introduces you to a new way of experiencing hurtful events without holding on to the pain.

11. Forgiveness begins when the victim starts to look at the accused as a fallible, imperfect human being who in many ways is not much different than him/herself.

12. The conscious act of forgiving will increase your self-esteem, reduce your anger and inhibit your anxiety.

For many, forgiveness is a process. You may not be able to totally let go today, but you can make that an intention and start in small ways. See how it feels to release the burden of resentment that you may be holding. Little by little you can free yourself of the weight of anger and experience the gift of peace and personal growth that comes with forgiveness!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals, the book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news. For more details, a free ezine, articles, coaching and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

Dating after 40, 50 ... 60?

2011-03-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Watch co-authors Rosalind Sedacca, CCT and Amy Sherman, LMHC talk about their new book, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! on CBS News 12 in West Palm Beach.

Dating after 40, 50 ... 60?

5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce

2011-02-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Communication with our children is always important, but never as essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce. Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress and anxiety they’ll experience. This is the time to reassure your children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the family will be okay. Then, of course, take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children’s lives as is feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible, serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on their emotional security.

2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority. With all the stress in your life it’s easy to overlook your kid’s need for stability and security. The best source for that is you. It’s easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them. Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing questions from the outside, such as, “I don’t know. My mom and dad are working on that.” Or “You’ll have to ask my mom about that.” Do whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who know what they are going through and can share feelings and stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don’t wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel “heard” by an objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in bed. So may your children. But they can’t always express what they are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can. This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca, CCT All rights reserved.

Disciplining Children After Divorce: Limit their Behavior but Not their Thoughts

2010-12-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Discipline is always a challenge for parents. Regardless of the age your child may be, they inevitably find ways to act out, challenge your authority and test the limits of their boundaries. Often these behaviors create tension and disagreements between Mom and Dad, which children are good at exploiting to their advantage. This, of course, is the time for Mom and Dad to forge a solid bond of agreement regarding their approach to discipline. If they do, the child is less likely to test the waters and more likely to alter their behavior into more appropriate channels.

When separation or divorce takes place, disciplining children can become even more difficult, especially if Mom and Dad are not on good terms regarding parenting their children. Parental discord can open the door for children to move into behavioral extremes, pitting you and your former spouse against each other. We've all seen the consequences when this occurs, and your children are definitely on the losing end.

Marriage and family counselor Dr. Paul Wanio (a contributor to my internationally acclaimed book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?) offers some sound advice on how to discipline your children without their developing a negative self-image. His suggestions include:

"Focus on limiting your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. If you do not allow your children the space to express who they are and how they feel about the subject at hand, they will repress the communication, but their resentment will incubate and grow.

"Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not "bad," even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is important for them to understand -- and for you to remember.

"Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or school-mates.

"True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive perspective and not get caught up in destructive behaviors yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment."

Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts that need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a counselor or other professional as soon as they sense any depression or other problem behaviors.

This is not a time to forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children to make sure they are moving through the challenges of "change" in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to preparing your children -- with Love! Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

During National Child-Centered Divorce Month parents get free ebooks, coaching, teleclasses & more!

2010-07-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

During National Child-Centered Divorce Month - throughout July - gifts are being offer to help parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children's well-being during and after separation or divorce.

Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and other professionals concerned about the effects of divorce on children will be sharing their advice and insights on the topic throughout July. Their goal is to educate parents about the choices they do have before moving into divorce to prevent negative consequences for children of all ages.

During July parents are encouraged to visit a special web page at which they can download a variety of free ebooks, audio presentations, services and other gifts from divorce professionals throughout North America. They can also access a series of free teleclasses presented by "child-centered" divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. The complimentary information will be available at www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

In addition, divorce experts from coast to coast will also be announcing local educational events including teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.

As a divorced parent, divorce coach and author I initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month for parents and work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

My goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret when it comes to their children's emotional well-being. By bringing the nation's legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach out through the media with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.

We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. As many of you know, I am the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! My now grown son wrote the book's introduction. I am also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides a free newsletter, articles and resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar our children – for years – and often for a lifetime.

Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by contacting me through my Child-Centered Divorce Groups at Facebook and LinkedIn, which are free for parents and divorce professionals to join, or by visiting www.childcentereddivorce.com.

For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact me directly at divorcepro@gmail.com or http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates. The gifts for parents during July can be found at:

http://www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce

Talking to Your Kids After Divorce Can be Tough – But Necessary!

2010-06-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

As a divorced parent you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open to a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on so you can nip them in the bud. It encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have and situations that are creating conflict for them.

Don’t sit down and say, let’s talk. Find comfortable times and places where conversation can flow naturally and easily. Then bring up related subjects in a casual way. Watching TV or movies at home can often be a catalyst for valuable conversation. Driving in the car together can also be a time of discussion, questions and sharing feelings.

Here are some tips that can help you ease into more productive communication with your kids.

· Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.
· Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!
· Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.
· Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.
· Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.
· Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.

Put yourself in your child’s place and you will likely make wiser decisions when it comes to talking about sensitive areas in their life. Afraid to talk about touchy subjects? Get some help from a counselor. It’s essential that you talk to your children and be role model for them. Don’t let them down!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

Make Smart Choices for Post-Divorce Co-Parenting Success

2010-04-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:

Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.

Create routine co-parent check-ins:

The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.

Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:

Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.

Be compassionate with your in-laws:

Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.

Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

Telling the kids about your divorce? Avoid these mistakes!

2010-03-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Getting psyched up to tell your children about your pending divorce
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.

Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?

Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:

* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides

* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault

* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!

* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy

* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved

* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!

These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!

If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!

To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.

Visit here to learn more ...

http://www.howdoitellthekids.com

Moving On After Divorce Takes Acceptance & Awareness

2010-02-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.

LEARN TO LET GO

If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.

Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?

FORGIVENESS

The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.

Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.

You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!

MAKE TIME FOR YOU!

One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.

When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.

Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!

HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS

Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.

When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.

It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.

Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.

Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.

That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.

If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.

It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

How to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

2009-11-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Mackenzie Phillips, Child Abuse and Divorce

2009-09-25T11:39:00.001-07:00

Thank you, Belinda, for your sane commentary on this disturbing subject. It is so important for adults to wake up and recognize the symptoms of children acting out, whether as a consequence of a divorce gone wrong, abusive parenting, sexual abuse by a trusted adult or other destructive behaviors. When we compound the abuse by not acknowledging it, disregarding its effects or shaming the victim, the poison spreads, infecting generation after generation of innocent children and young adults.

It is very sad to hear Mackenzie's story. It would be even sadder if we don't learn some major lessons from this and realize that there is always an underlying reason why children act out.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

After Divorce: 4 Ways to Ease Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids

2009-09-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.

Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”

2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.

3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!

4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Consistent Co-Parenting a Huge Benefit to Kids after Divorce

2009-08-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Child-Centered Divorce Month Divorce Experts Lent a Helping Hand to Families in Need

2009-08-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm thrilled to announce to you that July was a valuable month of insights and education for the parents who participated in the activities presented during National Child-Centered Divorce Month.

Parents were invited to receive a host of useful free gifts from divorce experts throughout North America. The gifts included complimentary coaching sessions, ebooks on topics related to divorce and families, audio seminars and more.

In addition, divorce attorneys, mediators, financial analysts, coaches, authors and other professionals shared their expertise through a series of free teleseminars offered weekly during July. I'm making the links to the audio recordings of the teleseminars available to any divorced parents and professionals who didn’t hear them the first time around.

The teleseminar titles are listed below:

July 8: Finding the “gift” in Your Divorce
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
July 21: Healthy Transitioning Beyond Divorce
July 28: Keys to Making Sound Divorce Decisions

To access all the replays, you can send me an email at divorcepro@gmail.com with Replay Links in the subject line and she will send the four links via email.

This material is excellent and will be of great value to any parent who cares about the effects of divorce on their children. We had an exceptional team of knowledgeable and compassionate experts volunteering their time and wisdom to make these calls content-rich for parents coping with divorce-related issues. The teleseminars cover topics from deciding who to use for your divorce through parenting tips after divorce.

The campaign was quite successful and welcomes feedback from parents on any of the teleseminar material or gifts received during National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Our goal is helping parents transition through and beyond divorce in the best possible way for the well-being of their children. Educated parents make wiser decisions that lessen the negative impact of divorce on the family.

We care and we’re here to help!

Free Divorce Teleseminar Series in July

2009-07-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

National Child-Centered Divorce Month

Free Teleseminar Series - July 2009

7:00 pm Eastern / 4:00 pm Pacific time

(Audio links will be available for all who miss a call)

July 8: Finding the “gift” in your divorce

Susan Allan
Jeffrey Malone
Carolyn Ellis

Can there be a “gift” for you and your children in your divorce? Rather than staying stuck in the pain, can we learn to transform adversity into opportunity? Can we use divorce to heal our wounds and help us develop into more loving, aware beings? Join three divorce experts -- Certified Mediator and Divorce Coach Susan Allan, author and founder of Thrive After Divorce Carolyn Ellis and Certified Master Integrative Coach Jeffrey Malone – as they discuss how to move beyond your divorce in the most conscious way as a positive role model for your children.

July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce

Michael Mastracci
Cynthia Tiano
Cindy Harari
Rosalind Sedacca

Are there alternatives to battling through divorce? Join former “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano, along with Collaborative attorney Michael Mastracci, Mediator and Parenting Coordinator Cindy Harari and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca – all authors of dynamic books on creating a “peaceful” divorce model for the sake of the kids – as they share their perspectives on working with or around the divorce legal system to create the best outcome for your family during and after divorce.

July 21: Healthy transitioning beyond divorce

Laura Campbell
Amy Botwinick
Belinda Rachman

What are the consequences of divorce done wrong? How do your divorce decisions affect the well-being of your children in the months and years ahead? Peaceful Divorce Mediator Belinda Rachman joins Divorce & Life Transition Coach Laura Campbell and author Amy Botwinick as they discuss strategies for moving through and then beyond divorce with dignity, self-esteem and a positive perspective for your future and your children’s.

July 28: Keys to making sound divorce decisions

Lisa Decker
Christina Rowe
Michelle Muncy

Divorce can be very costly – both physically and emotionally. Join author and divorced mother of four Christina Rowe, founder of ChildSharing, Michelle Muncy and Divorce Financial Analyst, Lisa Decker as they share insights about pro-actively planning your divorce to avoid the pitfalls of financial and psychological devastation – for you and your children. Learn the success strategies for creating a win-win divorce before signing on the dotted line – and for the months and years that follow.

To register visit www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

Rosalind Sedacca and other Divorce Experts Providing Free Gifts for Parents During National Child-Centered Divorce Month

2009-07-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month is being launched with complimentary gifts for parents throughout the month of July.

Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”

To help spread the word throughout North America a group of leading divorce experts are providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.

Included among them are authors Rosalind Sedacca, Carolyn Ellis, Christina Rowe and Amy Botwinick … attorneys and mediators Richard Kularski and Cynthia Tiano … divorce financial analyst Lisa Decker … divorce coaches Susan Allan, Laura Campbell and Shelley Stiles … plus the founders of ChildSharing, Inc. and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” says Sedacca, author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”

Parents can access their divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorce where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.

To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are also being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca. The first free teleseminar will take place on Wednesday, July 8th at 7:00 pm EDT.

To learn more about the free teleseminar series and complimentary gifts connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

New Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills

2009-06-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].

Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.

1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?

Results:

Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).

The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.

Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:

• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.

While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."

While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."

Methodology

During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.

About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children

The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.

So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.

We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.

To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Professional Divorce Community Planning 3rd Annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month

2009-06-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

National Child-Centered Divorce Month
bringing attention to children’s needs
when parents divorce or separate

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout the United States. The month is dedicated to alerting parents about the consequences their behaviors and decisions have upon their children during and after a divorce. Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be joining forces to share their insights about one key message all divorcing parents need to understand: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals. All are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

“I am passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”

Professionals around the nation will be announcing free teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities of an educational and motivational nature for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.

Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved through a number of resources that will be participating and posting relevant information and press releases. These include:

• www.childcentereddivorce.com
• www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com
• www.childsharing.com
• www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
• www.divorceaxis.com
• www.changecoachshelley.com

The goal, according to Sedacca, is to unite and then spread the word that “when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Don't let them down.”

For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact Rosalind directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit her website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com where she provides free articles, her blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates.

Participation in Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month in July

2009-05-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

I've been working hard regarding plans for launching the 3rd annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July. I value your feedback, suggestions and media connections.

We want to send press releases, schedule telesemianrs and workshops, write articles, do interviews and create as much attention as possible in the next two months focusing on issues related to divorce and parenting.

What changes would we like to see in the legal system?

How can divorce professionals work together to make positive changes?

What can we ask divorced parents to do differently and better on behalf of their children?

How can we enlist the help of the media in spreading the word about issues that need to be addressed?

How can educators, therapists and the clergy team with us on behalf of divorced children?

Do you have other questions or ideas? Now's the time to start the dialogue!

I look forward to hearing from you all!

Let's not waste this opportunity to get our voices heard in every municipality throughout the US -- and beyond.

Many thanks,
Rosalind

4 Divorce Don'ts When Telling Your Kids!

2009-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent? Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?

Well you’re not alone.

Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.

There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.

* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.

* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.

* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.

* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.

Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar
facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your
Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other
valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Mother/Daughter Event for Teens Recommended

2009-05-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hannah Montana Rules the Box Office

Can Moms Compete with Her Hollywood Influence on Their Daughters?

There are so many competing influences that affect young girls during their formative years. As the teen and tween years approach, it’s easy for moms to feel that their daughters are more likely to listen to their friends at school and Hollywood celebrities. Can mothers compete with the Hannah Montanas and iCarlys of the world?

Karen Nowicki knows that daughters want to hear from their moms more than anyone else. Nowicki is the founder of a unique mother-daughter sleepover event that renews the bond between mothers and their 9- to 13-year-old daughters. This transformative 2-day activity strengthens their relationship through the difficult tween and teen years. It provides an opportunity for mothers to build their daughters’ self confidence during the most influential time of their lives. The scheduled workshops and activities help create memories that mothers and daughters will cherish forever.

At her one-of-a-kind event, Nowicki teaches mothers and daughters:

Why daughters really do want to listen to their moms.
How mothers can have a stronger influence than the media.
That girls are perfect exactly as they are.
How to build a strong bond of mutual trust.
Why laughing together is so important to their relationship.

This event is Friday, May 22nd at 6 p.m. to Saturday, May 23rd at 4 p.m. at the beautiful Dobson Ranch Inn in Mesa, AZ. The event includes meals and a private hotel room for each mother-daughter pair. Early-bird registration is only $350.

CREDENTIALS: Karen Nowicki is a successful author, life coach, and the mother of two tweens. Her children’s book, Maddie Moonbeam’s Garden, is an inspirational tribute to each person’s journey toward learning to love themselves. She is a regular contributor to the Root & Sprout Magazine. Before opening her own coaching business, Nowicki was a teacher and assistant principal for the Kyrene School District. She was also the VP of Schools for Pinnacle Education, Inc. Karen’s media experience includes several radio interviews and an 8 min. segment on The Author’s Show.

CONTACT: Karen Nowicki, (480) 818-0206 (AZ); karennowicki@cox.net; www.motherdaughterweekend.com

Post-Divorce Dads and Step-Dads: Doing It Right

2009-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can’t-win situation. You find that you’re constantly trying to prove yourself – to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.

If Mom has custody of the children, it’s more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues – not to mention jealousy. While it’s understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy … for the sake of your children.

Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don’t want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships.

Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says “Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they’re parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams.” A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.

In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn’t mean the other male in their life doesn’t have good qualities they can benefit from.”

This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.

Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don’t force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you’re needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children – despite time intervals and distance – because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.

No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children’s emotional and psychological well-being, you’ll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Children of Divorce Need Family Photos

2009-04-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.

She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her “real” family – before the divorce.

This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, “possibly to protect my stepparents’ feelings” as she moved on into other chapters in her life.

She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time – and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to “be the grownup” and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.

Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.

Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent – and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you’re a step-parent, don’t try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child’s heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can’t demand or force it.

The woman’s blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children’s shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.

This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It’s also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them – even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.

I was particularly interested in this article because my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is based on family photos, as well. The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a valuable storybook using family photos and history. This becomes a great resource tool that puts parents in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.

Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
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All rights reserved. © 2009

Cooperative Co-parenting: Keys to Making It Work!

2009-03-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.

That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:

1. Don’t deny your child personal time with both of their parents.

If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.

2. Don’t argue or have tantrums around your child.

Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child’s eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.

3. Don’t make your child your confident – or friend!

It’s hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them – especially when you’re trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend – or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.

4. Don’t make your child the messenger.

When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.

5. Don’t think like a sole parent; you’re part of a parenting team.

When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren’t divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You’re a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.

6. Don’t be rigid – flexibility is fruitful.

Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn’t he or she worth it?

7. Don’t exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.

Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn’t mean your ex can’t be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child’s life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child’s shoulders. They’ll thank you when they are grown.

Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn’t that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

Children Parenting their Parents – a Dangerous Consequence of Divorce

2009-03-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.

Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to “fix” the situation, but they haven’t a clue how.

Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That’s why it‘s so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry … and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.

Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent – or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it’s a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.

Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to “protect” the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. “I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn’t have to stay with Mom/Dad I’d never be there.”

These small white lies can grow into larger stories – even outrageous lies – with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances – and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family – each pointing the finger at the other in blame.

When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children’s needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents – not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.

Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can – with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger – even revenge -- as the motive.

When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children’s well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.

Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

Marriage, Divorce and the Economy: No Excuse for Irresponsible Parenting

2009-02-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys across the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are post- posting the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near-record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are just not divorcing because they are afraid they can’t afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break, but at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.

The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Mom and Dad are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress.

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates do decline because people can’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be a damaging situation for the children. That’s because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.

Parents -- whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in – or out – of the marriage:

· Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?
· Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?
· Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?
· Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?
· Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?
· Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?
· Are we restraining from arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?
· Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience – whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

Divorce Alert: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children!

2009-01-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our ex, criticize something they did or didn’t do, gesture or grimace our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set ourselves up for a hornet’s nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it’s easy to forget or let slide. It hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of both parents. They love them both even when that love isn’t returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem. “Something’s wrong with me” becomes the child’s unconscious belief.

I know it’s challenging some times not to criticize your ex, especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a friend or therapist to vent to. Don’t do it around your children. And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their other parent – or hold your tongue.

The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.

Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their other parent.

· Are you hearing yourself say: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,, who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It’s not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It’s how you, as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever challenges occur, that’s what your children will see and the path they will take in their own relationships. You can’t make life choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a “conscious” diligence on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as well. If he or she doesn’t, your kids will naturally pick up on the different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration. Shouldn’t that be you?

* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

New Child-Centered Divorce Telephone Group

2008-12-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

Just two spots remaining for
Rosalind Sedacca’s new 2009
Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program

Response to my new Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program has been amazing. I’m busily planning the two groups now and have some additional bonuses on tap for each of our participants!

However, there are only two spots remaining for Group 1: Creating the Child-Centered Divorce Experience, designed especially for those of you facing, moving through or recently divorced.

Group 2: Success Strategies for Maintaining a Child-Centered Divorce, will be slightly larger. At this point there are possibly three spots available for this post-divorce parenting group focused on those divorced for more than six months. Even if you’ve been divorced for six years you’ll find valuable information in this program that will benefit everyone in the family.

Here’s how it will work:

· Each group will meet every other week for three months, via teleconference, for one hour, to discuss key principles and strategies that will help you emotionally as well as physically get through your days with a better attitude, more ease and enhanced communication skills (to use with both the children and your former spouse.)

· In every session we will explore a new topic to help you move through challenges to a place of confidence and empowerment when dealing with personal and family issues.

· BONUS: I have also planned an additional call with a special Monthly Guest Expert who will share their expertise on topics of crucial importance to you and answer your questions.

· All calls will be recorded so if you miss any sessions you will be able to listen at your convenience – or review a call whenever you choose.

· Each participant will have access to a Child-Centered Divorce Forum where you can share experiences, support and insights.

· All materials are included in the program.

· The low cost is only $50 per month!

My goal is to support you in taking positive steps toward experiencing a Child-Centered Divorce that will enhance your life and tangibly benefit you and your children!

Working together as a group -- sharing experiences, emotions, challenges and successes – will help motivate you to take bold steps in creating positive change!

If you’re ready to maximize your post-divorce parenting experience,

I invite you to join me in this valuable new program!

For details about dates and time, send me an email
with your time-zone, Group preference and preferred day of the week
to:
Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com

Author Rosalind Sedacca wins 2008 Victorious Woman Award

2008-11-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT was announced the first place inner of the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. The international competition was created by Annmarie Kelly, author of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. A panel of judges made the winning selections.

Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce and is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her winning essay was taken from the first chapter of her book in which she shares her personal story about the trauma of telling her eleven year old son that she was divorcing his father.

Sedacca came up with an innovative approach that more than a decade later she turned into an interactive ebook. What makes the book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! Sedacca uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough “break-the-news” conversation.

Therapists, attorneys, mediators and other professionals throughout the U.S. and other nations have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of her novel storybook concept. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. Her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.

Sedacca, who has since remarried, is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where parents can access her free articles, ezine, blog, as well as many valuable resources and services to help parents create a “child-centered divorce.”

“By preparing a storybook in advance, about your family with your family’s photos, parents give their children something to hold on to that reminds them that they are safe and loved. The storybook approach also eliminates the awkwardness of not knowing what to say,” Sedacca adds, “while you are confidently providing essential messages your children need to understand.”

Sedacca’s son, eleven at the time of the divorce, is now a veterinarian who recently got married. His moving Introduction to the book personally acknowledges the effectiveness of this unique approach to a tough conversation.

“One of the most gratifying moments in my life came when my son, as an adult, confided that he understood why his Dad and I divorced,” says Sedacca. “While he was very upset at the time, he said he could now see it was the right decision. He also thanked me for maintaining a positive interactive relationship with his Dad -- what I now refer to as a Child-Centered Divorce.”

Kelly is a speaker, trainer, founder and principal of SkillBuilder Systems. Her consulting company offers Victorious Woman Workshops, where she facilitates a process through which women learn how to choose and develop more satisfying and authentic lifestyles, beginning with awareness and progressing through actions that result in a victorious outcome.

“Many, many of us are more victorious than we, and the world, give us credit for being,” says Kelly who claims her own victories over early familial dysfunctions that included alcoholism and sibling abuse, teenage overweight that resulted in self-image issues and paralyzing shyness, as well as later financial devastation and emotional loss.

Kelly says the purpose of the Victorious Woman Award is to “support other women, fearful of the unknown, and encourage them to find the good that waits for them on the other side of surviving!” She can be contacted at www.victoriouswoman.com.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is available online as a downloadable ebook. It can also be purchased in CD format from attorneys, therapists and other professionals. To learn more visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Sedacca’s free ezine, articles, acclaimed blog, coaching services and resource pages can be found at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Reach Sedacca at: Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.

Acknowledged as one of Best Resources for Divorced Parents and Separated Families

2008-10-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

I am honored to announce that my blog at www.childcentereddivorce.com has been included, and listed in first place, in the just released Best Resources for Divorced Parents and Separated Families.

The list was compiled by Life Coach Vanessa Van Petten and her team. It is posted on her popular blog, OnTeensToday.com.

Click here to see:
http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/

My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also included in her Best Divorce Books listing.

I hope you will visit this site and spread the word to your colleagues and clients. All of these pre-screened resources certainly deserve our attention and support.

To check out my blog and website, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/

Best regards,
Rosalind

5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce

2008-09-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the most difficult conversations I ever had was telling my son about my pending divorce. I struggled with the anxiety of guilt, shame, fear and dread for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?

Thankfully I found a plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.

In my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear and understand. By sharing these points with your children you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing:

1) This is not your fault.
2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents.
3) This is about change, not about blame.
4) Things will work out okay.
5) Mom and Dad will always love you.

These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A fill-in-the-blanks storybook that prepares your children -- with love. Contact Rosalind at roz@rosalindsedacca.com. For free articles and her ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com .

2008-08-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

Back to School for Children Means Time for Divorced Parents to Communicate

Guest Author: Cindy Harari, Esq.

Beginning the school year can be stressful as the lazy days of summer give way to a more rigorous schedule. The hectic pace of school, extracurricular activities and parental work schedules is especially challenging for divorced families where children shuttle between two homes. Many children have had the unfortunate experience of being at one parent’s home and needing something that is at the other parent’s home. These situations create stress for everyone involved, and now is the perfect time for divorced parents to think about how to avoid them.

The most basic tool for parents is the calendar. In addition to the academic schedule, each parent needs to calendar extracurricular activities for each child. It is the responsibility of each parent to keep track of each child’s activities including times, dates, locations, transportation, and equipment.

Ongoing access to information is important, but do not use your child as a messenger. Parents should be on an e-mail list and/or mailing list for every activity that each child is involved in. Parents need to be proactive regarding their responsibilities, and allow children the freedom to flourish during their childhood.

What if your child receives an invitation to a birthday party or a notice of a school trip? Make sure your child’s other parent knows about it by calling, sending a fax or e-mail. Does the event conflict with prior plans? Consider the value of flexibility and the best interest of your child.

Sometimes, the Marital Settlement Agreement (also known as the Divorce Agreement) includes a comprehensive parenting plan. Often, however, divorced parents must work out parenting issues that are not specifically settled in their Agreement. Communication is critical, especially between divorced parents. Now is the time to make sure the lines of communication are open, to make a fresh start for the school year.

* * * *

Cindy Harari is an attorney with a non-traditional approach that empowers clients to create a peaceful divorce and co-parenting relationship.Licensed to practice law in New York and Florida, she is trained mediator, arbitrator, coach, and parenting coordinator and an expert in problem-solving and alternative dispute resolution. Cindy educates clients about the complex issues involved with divorce, parenting and family law. She coaches her clients to develop the unique communication skills and problem-solving techniques necessary to create a peaceful divorce. She can be reached at cindyharari@aol.com

FreeTele-seminar on Post-Divorce Dating

2008-08-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

Join me for a FREE Tele-seminar with a special guest author on

Wednesday, August 13th at 9 pm EST (6 pm PT)

The topic will be: Divorced with Children? How to Get Back Out There into the Dating World!

If you are divorced with children, you have much to consider before getting back into dating. Come hear me interview Amy Schoen, a dating-relationship life coach who will share valuable insights about post-divorce dating.

Learn about the best places to meet people who are kid-friendly ... pitfalls to avoid ... success strategies that really work.

Whether you are contemplating dating or have already started dating, you will be enlightened and motivated by the wisdom Amy shares.

After the interview, we will have time for a few questions. Please email your questions directly to Amy at coachamy@heartmindconnection.com.

Amy Schoen is a certified professional life coach and a dating and relationship expert who coaches s.ingles to attract the right relationship into their lives and couples to create the relationships of their dreams.

She speaks professionally to adult learning classes, organizations and social groups. Amy is the author of "Get It Right This Time: How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Relationship and "Motivated to Marry: Now There's a Better Method to Dating and Relationships." She has been featured in the Washington Post newspaper, the Washington Examiner, as well as, interviewed on TV, radio and online magazines. Learn more about Amy's coaching and helpful tips at www.HeartmindConnection.com.

When you sign up for the tele-seminar, you will receive the quiz, "Are You Ready for the Right One?" excerpted from Amy’s book, "Get It Right This Time: How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Relationship."

Sign up at www.heartmindconnection.com/teleseminar-aug08.html for the F.REE tele-seminar on Wednesday, August 13th at 9 pm EST.

We hope you can join us!

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis Win the First Annual Celebrity Co-Parent Award

2008-07-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July, and Cynthia Tiano, Esq., creator of the Celebrity Co-Parent Awards, have announced that Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are the winners of the first annual Celebrity Co-Parent Award.

“These two parents are ideal role models for families facing the challenges of divorce,” says Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of the book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “Demi and Bruce have demonstrated all the qualities of a Child-Centered Divorce: responsible, loving and respectful co-parenting that puts the children’s emotional needs first when making any parenting decisions.”

Celebrity divorces have too often been examples of divorce gone wrong. Most recently there has been lots of negative publicity around the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce, and plenty of commentary about how it all is going to effect their children.

Too often divorcing celebrity couples such as Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Hulk and Linda Hogan, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, and others, play out in public arenas dramatic exaggerations of what many other people are experiencing in private. They get caught up in a never-ending spiral of negativity and pain. And, until now, the media has focused on catching these celebrities acting out the anger and pain of their breakups in the courtroom.

“It’s time to focus on and acknowledge those celebrities who have demonstrated a commitment to working together and placing their children first even during the toughest of times,” says Cynthia Tiano, Esq., a 26-year divorce attorney turned mediator and author of Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula. “All of our celebrity co-parent contenders deserve recognition for their efforts to create peaceful divorces for themselves and their children. It was a difficult decision to select one couple, but Demi and Bruce’s commitment to respectful co-parenting for their children has withstood the test of time,” says Tiano.

Demi Moore has been candid and open about her own parents’ divorce, and how it has solidified her commitment to getting along with her ex, Bruce Willis. “I’m the product of divorced parents, and my brother and I were the pawns in my parents’ game. I never wanted that for my kids”, said Moore. “At that time, I could not have seen what a gift that situation was, but without that experience, I would not have known there was a different choice to make in my own divorce.”

About her own co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis, Moore says, “We get so much from being able to share holidays and spend time with all of us together. The kids don’t have to choose. They’re getting double the support, double the love, double the encouragement.”

And how does Demi’s hubby Ashton Kutcher feel about it all? About Bruce Willis, Kutcher says, “He shares the three most precious things in his life with me. If I didn’t honor that, I would be an idiot.”

The other contenders for the award were Robin Williams and his soon-to-be former wife Marsha, who have publicly committed to using the Collaborative Divorce model which avoids acrimonious litigation to achieve a peaceful outcome. Vanessa Williams and her two exes, Rick Fox and Ramon Hervey, who celebrate holidays together as one family were also acknowledged for keeping the well-being of their children in mind and providing an atmosphere of love and respect among the parent figures in their lives.

During Child-Centered Divorce Month, Sedacca and Tiano are passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal and therapeutic communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about how deeply their children are affected by their behavior toward each other. “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – in the short-term and for years to come,” notes Sedacca.

The Child-Centered and Peaceful Divorce communities are honored to recognize those celebrities who co-parent their children with respect toward each other, and extend a sincere salute to Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, winners of the First Annual Celebrity Co-Parent Awards for their peaceful post-divorce co-parenting. They encourage Demi and Bruce to speak out offering parenting advice they can share with others walking in their shoes.

During Child-Centered Divorce Month, and thereafter, the professional peaceful divorce community will be providing insights, tips and effective strategies for creating positive divorces for children and parents through interviews, teleseminars, workshops and other events. Visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com and http://www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com to learn more.

Announcing the First Annual Celebrity Co-Parent Award during National Child-Centered Divorce Month

2008-07-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Cynthia Tiano, Esq., reformed “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator and creator of the Celebrity Co-Parent Awards, and Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July, have announced the contenders for the first ever Celebrity Co-Parent Awards, which were created to catch celebrity co-parents in the act of doing something right.

The criteria for the award are celebrity couples who have survived the breakup of their relationship and have consistently engaged in responsible, loving and respectful co-parenting that puts the children’s emotional needs first when making any parenting decisions or dealing with each other.

The celebrities recognized by the Child-Centered Divorce consortium and the Celebrity Co-Parent advisory board as good role models when it comes to separation, divorce and parenting are:

* Demi Moore and Bruce Willis who have worked through their problems and consistently maintained a good working relationship for the benefit of their children;
* Robin Williams and his soon-to-be former wife Marsha, who have publicly committed to using the Collaborative Divorce model which avoids acrimonious litigation to achieve a peaceful outcome, and;
* Vanessa Williams and her two exes, Rick Fox and Ramon Hervey, who celebrate holidays together as one family, keeping the well-being of their children in mind and providing an atmosphere of love and respect among the parent figures in their lives.

While court battles rage on for other celebrity co-parents, complete with gossip and headline hype, these couples stand out above the crowd for their dedication to the well-being of their children, and a desire to see them thrive despite the fact that their parents are no longer living together.

The winners will be announced on July 21, 2008, and will receive a Certificate of Excellent Co-Parenting and a trophy representing parents encircling their children with love and protection from the potential devastation of separation and divorce.

Cynthia Tiano, Esq. is co-author of the book Happily Divorced! Secrets of the Win-Win Formula. Rosalind Sedacca is author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!

Sedacca and Tiano are passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal and therapeutic communities during the month of July to bring a heightened awareness to the issue that acrimonious separations and divorces deeply and permanently damage their children’s fragile sense of self-esteem.

“We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – in the short-term and for years to come,” notes Sedacca.

Sedacca, who has become recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, suggests parents ask themselves “What will my children say to me about my divorce when they are grown adults? Will they understand and thank me for handling the situation respectfully and harmoniously? Or will they be bitter about selfish decisions that disregarded their well-being?” Her book is based on her own personal experience with divorce more than a decade ago. Her son, who was eleven at the time, wrote the Introduction and was recently married with both sets of parents on hand to celebrate in harmony and joy.

Tiano, who spent the first 14 years of her 26-year divorce practice as an aggressive litigator and the past 12 years as a certified family mediator believes that “It is entirely possible to create a peaceful separation and/or divorce if both parents are committed to doing so. It becomes much easier for the parties to avoid the pitfalls and devastation of a bitter breakup if they remain child-focused. That includes remembering that their children love them both, and that their children’s suffering is directly proportional to the extent to which their parents fight.”

During Child-Centered Divorce Month the professional divorce community will be providing insights, tips and effective strategies for creating positive divorces for children and parents through interviews, teleseminars, workshops and other events. Visit http://www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com and http://www.childcentereddivorce.com to learn more.

July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month – focusing on children’s emotional needs when parents divorce or separate

2008-06-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to announce that the second annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place throughout July across the United States. Professionals who deal with divorce issues -- therapists, attorneys, mediators, coaches, educators, clergy and others – will be joining forces to share valuable parenting messages. One of the most significant is: Don’t Make Your Child a Pawn in Your Conflict. Instead, put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

I am the founder of National Child-Centered Divorce Month. I'm a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! I've created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and work closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators and other professionals who focus on creating the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

For too long our nation has been negligent in recognizing the respect we owe to our children. This is especially true for parents experiencing the challenges of divorce or separation. We’ve all read the headlines and seen the damage inflicted onto children through divorce gone wrong. In July we need to discuss and demonstrate how parents can do it right.

As you can see, I'm passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal and therapeutic communities for one purpose: bringing a heightened awareness to parents about their children’s fragile sense of self-esteem. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.

My new book is based on my personal experience more than a decade ago when I was facing the difficult task of breaking the divorce news to my eleven year old son. After many sleepless nights I ultimately created a simple and compassionate storybook, integrating family photos and history, as a successful way to move through the tough conversation.

It really worked well. Now I've turned my innovative Create-a-Storybook™ strategy into a customizable ebook with age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates, along with advice from six practicing therapists. The book is designed to keep parents on track with the right messages. Children (ages 5-15) love to see themselves in the family photos and derive comfort from being able to read the book again and again in the weeks and months that follow.

My son is now a practicing veterinarian. He was co-parented from age eleven on and honored me by writing the introduction to my book. He was married this past Memorial Day. My former husband and I were there along with our spouses and extended families. Everyone got along beautifully. I believe there is no greater gift that you can give to a child of divorce than that peace of mind.

I attribute most of the negative consequences of divorce to one or both parents making choices that are not in the best interest of their children. Frequently parents are so caught up in their own drama -- in anger, resentment, frustration, grief and other emotions -- that they forget their children love both Mom and Dad and in most cases do not want to lose the connection with their other parent.

Throughout National Child-Centered Divorce Month I want to remind parents to share some important messages with their children. These include:

None of this is your fault.
Both Mom and Dad still love you -- and always will.
Despite the changes in your life, you will be okay because Mom and Dad are handling things with your best interest at heart.

Remember that your children are innocent victims of your choices. They are also relatively powerless and emotionally fragile. If you love them, think before you act and remember to put their needs first.

I encourage all professionals who counsel, coach, teach or support divorcing families to participate in National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Their voices can be heard by joining together, writing articles, offering seminars, sending press releases, getting radio and TV interviews and reaching out in their communities with their valuable insights. My goal is tol spread the word that when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Parents ... don't let them down!

For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind provides free articles, a blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. She can be contacted at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.